Sunday, November 9, 2008

Hope Floats

Well, it looks like we have returned home to the US at precisely the right time. There's no need to go into the details of just how bad it has been here in the US for quite some time. We did the best we could during the dark years, and some of us even sought greener pastures abroad. But little did we know that just as we were returning home someone would come along just when we most needed them to provide us with something we never even knew we needed before: a pre-made root beer float in a bottle.


That's right, if you haven't seen them already, the crack team of beverage scientists at Dr. Pepper Snapple has put out two new beverages for those out there who are too lazy to pour a soda over vanilla ice cream: the A&W Root Beer Float and the Sunkist Orange Float (or in true soda lingo, an orange cow). And before I let my rampant sarcasm run this post straight into the ground, I'm forced to wonder: who asked for this?


I was alerted to the upcoming release of these several months ago through a comment on the blog by a lurker pretending to be A&W founder Roy Allen, but we were unable to find it in the UK (unsurprisingly). I bought both flavors immediately upon return to the US — lest you think I am really that obsessed, I didn't hunt them down, I just stumbled across them in the supermarket...while looking for normal root beer.

So how were they? Well, despite my best hopes, they were utterly disgusting. Complete abominations. I can't possibly describe how much I disliked them. I would love to know how they managed to get either flavor past a panel of tasters without the help of heavy narcotics and/or bribery. The Sunkist float tasted okay at first, but it was sickeningly sweet, left a bitter aftertaste, and had a mucous-like thick consistency akin to drinking Jello just before it solidifies. The consistency was really hard to stomach. The root beer float was even worse — while the orange float at least resembled orange and cream flavor, the root beer float tasted like an unfortunate hybrid between a buttered popcorn Jelly Belly and a campfire-burnt marshmallow, with no discernible resemblance to root beer. Now I know it must have been challenging to recreate the effect of a real ice cream float in a shelf-stable package, but (a) I have a hard time believing that there was a clamor from consumers for such a product, and (b) I have to think that they could have done better than these super-sugary foul-flavored snot-slicks in a bottle. To summarize: unless you're looking for a new way to haze inductees into your fraternity, avoid at all costs.

I guess we, the American people, will have to roll up our sleeves and do it the hard way. Can we manage to extract several scoops of ice cream from a container, put them into a glass, and pour soda over them? Yes we can.

1 comment:

Roy Allen's Ghost said...

Lurker? Simply perposterous. Sir, how dare you label me such!